


Tenacious

by lcdsra



Series: LCDSRA's A-Z Soulmate Prompts [20]
Category: Original Work
Genre: Additional Warnings In Author's Note, Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-29
Updated: 2020-09-29
Packaged: 2021-03-08 03:08:17
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,619
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26708746
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lcdsra/pseuds/lcdsra
Summary: /təˈnāSHəs/adjective1. tending to keep a firm hold of something; clinging or adhering closely.Or: Perfectionism fucks with you and this is a rant piece of writing.
Relationships: None
Series: LCDSRA's A-Z Soulmate Prompts [20]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1935553





	Tenacious

**Author's Note:**

> I might end up taking this down at some point but right now I'm kind of just throwing this out there. But seriously, perfectionism makes me sad so I deal with it by making my characters sad.
> 
> AU: You and your soulmate share pain.
> 
> Character(s): Nuit, Nuit’s mother, Clair  
> Relationship(s): Clair/Kirin mention  
> Warning(s): Mild injuries, suicidal thoughts mention, mild cursing

“Your daughter is incredibly smart. She’s very attentive and she works well with others. It’s a joy to have her in class.” Her teacher was a young woman who always looked a little too tired to deal with them.

Nuit didn’t understand what that implication was. She was in 1st grade and she was quiet and let others push her around because her mother told her to swallow her fear and make friends.

She did. “I’m so glad Nuit’s fitting in. Would you consider her for the gifted and talented track?”

It wasn’t a question. Her mother drilled her with the need for perfection, with the strive to be better than those around her. If she didn’t make the gifted and talented cut, well, her mother wouldn’t be very happy with her.

“Of course.” Her teacher replied. “Absolutely, I can see your daughter excelling in rigorous classes, and I believe she has a bright future ahead of her.”

“Thank you,” Her mother smiled. “I’m so proud of you Nuit.” She was pleased, and Nuit felt a burning need to get that look, that attention, again.

Nuit was 7 and she tested into the gifted and talented program.

: : :

School wasn’t hard. The teacher taught them things that her mother already taught her, things she already knew how to do, or knew what it was. Nuit didn’t have to learn, just as her mother wanted.

Her teachers praised her when she answered a question right, and frowned when she got one wrong. Nuit withheld her joy when she got a 100, and forced the dread that crept up her throat whenever another test came around.

She cried the first time she got below an 80%. Her teacher scolded her for disturbing class, her fellow classmates shunned her for getting a grade that wasn’t perfect. She wasn’t the smart kid anymore, and she wanted to die.

But she didn’t. Nuit’s mother demanded she make up the grade, so Nuit demanded a make up assignment and she passed the class with an A.

She got perfect grades. She had a perfect GPA. She was perfect. Her mother never looked more proud when she graduated, at 18. It wasn’t easy, but most of her peers didn’t put up much of a fight.

: : :

Nuit was ruthless when her peers began to lose their motivation. She went to college and graduated on the top of her classes. It was harder this time. College was very different than high school, middle school. She struggled and cried and she was so _useless_.

Nuit ended up applying to join an organization called STARS. The program promised a life of high risk, high reward. It required both high intellect and athletic talents, and there was a boot camp, of sorts, for trainees.

She signed up. Nuit was 24 and she sighed up for a paramilitary group to fight their useless wars, but really, it was all about proving herself. She thrived in competition, and she was perfect until she wasn’t.

If she failed, she’d die.

She was first in her class in STARS. The instructors worked them hard, but praised her for how well her forms were. She was a natural fighter, a natural intellect. Her vision was sharp, her reflexes refined.

She did not stumble. She didn’t dare think about what would happen if she did.

: : :

Nuit didn’t make it long in STARS. She bit off more than she could chew and the person in her earpiece was screaming at her to get out but that would admit that she failed.

She was cornered in the third story and their target knew this. She was out of ammo and her backup was either dead or gone and-

She backed out of a window.

She didn’t fall long, but during the few milliseconds before she hit the ground, she had two coherent thoughts. She wasn’t afraid of death, she would embrace it. But also that she _failed_ and none of her training could’ve prepared her for that.

_I failed._

She never failed.

_But I failed._

She blacked out when she hit the ground. She hoped she wouldn’t wake up.

: : :

Nuit was 25 and she broke her first bone. In fact, she broke multiple bones, but most notably, her arm, in three places. The doctors told her that her arm most likely hit the ground first, which messed up her shoulder, but spared her head and her legs had fractures but no where near as bad as it could’ve been.

Considering.

Nuit stared at her arm, at the x ray that was projected on her tablet, and wondered just how she would deal with that. She counted on dying if she failed, but she didn’t count on failing and _surviving_.

A knock came to her boring hospital door. Nuit sipped some lukewarm water from a plastic cup and called out, “Come in.”

Nuit was 25 and she had to face a woman younger than her, her boss, tell her she failed and evaluate her while she was still relatively high on pain meds.

“I heard you broke your arm on your latest mission.” Clair tilted her head casually, like they were just having a normal conversation.

“I guess you’re here to fire me?” Might as well get it out of the way.

“Fire you?”

“I mean, this isn’t going to heal overnight.” She was almost 100% sure one of the breaks wasn’t set properly. “The doctors said at least six weeks, plus more if they didn’t set it correctly.”

“Okay, so?” Clair frowned, “That doesn’t mean we’re firing you.”

“I’m only useful if I can get things done. That’s just a fact, you know. You don’t pay me to just feed me.” Nuit moved to shrug but stopped.

“But you’re important as a person. It’s not permanent”

“But my only value to _you_ is my ability to do work quickly.” She pointed out. “Why keep someone around who can’t do anything.”

Clair sighed. “Fuck, Nuit, you’re not alone in that. For the longest time I thought STARS would just toss me out because I wasn’t signed and I disobeyed Kirin’s stand-in and nearly died. I may have been out of commission for months, but they kept me.”

“But you’re important to Kirin.” Clair whipped her head to glare at her. “Don’t even pretend you’re not more than colleagues. I know you two are probably soulmates.”

“How did you-“

“I’m a detective type.” Nuit smiled ruefully. “I know that Kirin took time off around when you got hurt. I know that she walked like she too was in pain when you did.”

Clair narrowed her eyes. “This isn’t about me, this is about you thinking that you’re worthless unless you’re absolutely perfect.”

Nuit knew it was true but she still flinched. “Yeah. Maybe I am a perfectionist.”

“Just maybe?” Clair shook her head, and smiled a little. “I can’t say I’ve ever been a perfectionist, but I do have an idea of what’s going on.”

“And what’s that?” Why couldn’t Clair just tell her what management was going to do and leave her alone.

The younger woman sat down in a chair and thoughtfully traced the pattern in the wood. “You feel like you’re only worth what your productivity is. What your numbers are.”

“Yeah, thank the public school system for that.”

Clair frowned at that. “I don’t know what you- well, never mind that. First of all, acknowledge that you failed.” Nuit glared and the other woman held up her palms in a mock surrender. “I know! But seriously, knowing that you’re a perfectionist, in some ways, is a good thing.”

“I don’t see how it’s good.”

“Every step counts, even the first, small ones.” Clair said. “I can’t tell you how to value yourself but I can tell you that STARS is going to work with you on that.”

Nuit stared hard at her superior. “Are you even out of your own perfectionist mindset?”

Clair looked startled for a moment, before relaxing. “No. My intrusive thoughts still creep up on me, even though I’m officially signed into STARS.”

“Signed into STARS?”

“Yeah, I was sponsored for five years and just recently I finally secured my place. I thought that, since I already made so many mistakes, that they wouldn’t want me permanently.”

“But you were already a commander by then.” Nuit pointed out. “You already secured your place in STARS’ history.” It didn’t make sense to her.

“Looking back, yeah, it seems obvious that they wouldn’t kick me out.” Clair shrugged, huffing a little. “But I’m pretty sure that mindset is illogical. Just like you thinking you’d get fired because you botched a mission.”

Nuit opened her mouth to protest, but slowly shut it. Because, stupidly, of course it wouldn’t be logical to fire someone who was already trained up, just because they didn’t get something right. “Wow. I feel stupid.”

“Hey, don’t I know. We’ve all failed missions before, is all I’m saying. And, well, I think this could be a learning point.”

She wanted to point out that Clair wasn’t even teaching her anything, but kept silent. “Okay.” She said instead. “So, I’m still employed?”

“Yep.” Clair popped the _p_ at the end of the word. And Nuit was struck by just how young she seemed and acted, sometimes. “I was just coming by to make sure you’re feeling okay.”

“Well, I am.”

“Good. I’ll drop by later, because this conversation is gonna happen again.”

Nuit groaned quietly. “Seriously?”

“Repetition is key.” Clair replied, suddenly very serious. “And, I promise you that you’re worth so much more than you think you are.”

And with that, Clair was gone. Nuit sat awake in bed for a long time afterwards.

**Author's Note:**

> So scared of getting older  
> I'm only good at being young  
> So I play the numbers game  
> To find a way to say that life has just begun
> 
> \- Stop This Train by John Mayer


End file.
